I recorded the following on my dictaphone the other day.
I’m not sure where this has come from or how it’s happened*, but I’ve never felt so happy, actually, scrap the word happy and replace it with content, in all my adult life.
I don’t own a lot, in fact, most of what I own is in boxes in my mum’s garage.
I’m 38, I’m single and I’m living at home with my mum.
So, technically I shouldn’t be happy, as I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have my own house and I’m not earning a lot of money.
But over the last few years, the experiences that I’ve been through and the lessons I’ve learnt have lead me to the moment of what could almost feel like some form of enlightenment?
I realise when I say this I’m very far from enlightenment – probably someone like me would have no idea what enlightenment would actually feel like – but for the last few months, 7 months to be exact, every single day I’ve woken up I’ve felt great.
I’ve felt appreciative for each and every day, but not even in a forced way, the feeling is just there. It just exists within me without me even trying. And it sounds a bit dramatic, but if I died that night or the next day, I would have felt perfectly content with the life that I had lead or the one I am living.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I have never felt happier**, more content in all my adult life.
And I actually believe that this feeling will last for the rest of my life.
* I do have an idea how this has happened actually, perhaps I’ll explain it in the future.
** happy is overrated, let’s use the word content.
I recorded this on a Friday evening after a busy day at work, in amongst a hectic week. I’d been in the zone and loving it, but also finding it hard to switch off.
I knew going for a walk in the countryside would help me clear my mind, but I put the walk off.
Finally I mustered up the energy to get my coat and boots, put my phone in the cupboard and walk out the door.
1km in, my brain was screaming at me.
“How am I going to make it through another 4km without driving myself crazy with my own thoughts?“
2km in. Suddenly my brain starts to relax. I realise I haven’t really been thinking for the last 5 minutes.
Then after 3km these words came out, from nowhere.
I wanted to write them down so I could keep them and reflect back.
Will this feeling actually last forever?